


Journey's End

by Willowbrooke



Category: Lewis (TV)
Genre: F/M, M/M, Season/Series 07-08 hiatus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-21
Updated: 2015-05-27
Packaged: 2018-03-31 14:05:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 16,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3980875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Willowbrooke/pseuds/Willowbrooke
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><em>In another couple of hours, he would be back in León, where his long walk would finally end.  It had been a challenging journey in many ways, yet it had also been blessedly soul-renewing.  It felt a bit like going to confession and having all of one's sins absolved.</em>  Meanwhile, back in Oxford...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [wendymr](https://archiveofourown.org/users/wendymr/gifts).



> Three months late, but this fic is a belated birthday gift for wendymr! Thank you for all of the help you've given me with my writing and for the many and various ways you share your time, talent, and energy with those of us in this small, but lovely, fandom. 
> 
> Thanks to lamardeuse for the detailed and so very helpful beta on this story and for always making me stretch. A special thank you to divingforstones for the Brit-pick and for the eagle-eyed review of the complicated tense shifts in the first chapter. :) Thank you, too, for your wonderfully supportive and encouraging comments.

James reached for the bottom of his shirt, wiping the sweat that had begun to drip into his eyes. He stopped walking long enough to retrieve his water bottle and as he did so, he gazed up one last time at the relentless sun which had become a constant travelling companion these last few weeks. He allowed himself a brief moment of self-congratulation as he held up his bottle in a version of a two-fingered salute before indulging in an extra-long drink. 

He had done what he'd set out to do. In another couple of hours, he would be back in León, where his long walk would finally end. It had been a challenging journey in many ways, yet it had also been blessedly soul-renewing. It had felt a bit like going to confession and having all of one's sins absolved.

_Bless me, Father, for I have sinned._

As he'd made his way across Spain over these last two months, he had confessed his sins, not to a priest, but to God. Most significant among them was the frustratingly long list of people he had failed. Will, Zoe Kenneth, Silas Whittaker, Briony Keagan, Adam Tibbett... 

_These are my sins._

One by one, he'd brought them to mind. He'd acknowledged his role in each of their deaths feeling, once more, the burden of that guilt in excruciating detail. He understood, of course, that his was not the only hand in their lives or in their deaths. He wasn't solely responsible. It wasn't that simple and he wasn't that important, but he was complicit nonetheless. 

He'd held onto the memory of each of these people for days before reaching a point where, after much anguish, reflection, and prayer, he had finally been able to let them go. He had made a tenuous peace with each of them. 

_I absolve you from your sins, in the name of the Father, and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit._

Though Catholic doctrine clearly disagreed with Oscar Wilde's literary assertion that 'It is the confession, not the priest, that gives us absolution', James had found some measure of comfort in the act of an open confession. True absolution might not be possible, but he could ask God's forgiveness and in turn, perhaps, he might allow himself some measure of self-forgiveness. 

He would carry each of these people with him for the rest of his life, but underneath that weight was a familiar voice reminding him of all those he _hadn't_ failed, of the good he had done. Reminding him that what he did every day made a difference and that even though some days were difficult, the work he did mattered and he made the world a better place.

_Go in peace._

Lewis had asked him that day at Crevecoeur, "Why do you have to be better?" The answer to that question was the key to everything really, wasn't it? James understood that it had a great deal to do with his deep-seated Catholic guilt and even more to do with his past. But in the end, it was his choice whether to let his past control him or whether to rise above it.

And as he'd walked he'd begun to acknowledge and accept some of what Lewis had tried to instil in him. He was well aware that he had always set unattainably high standards for himself and as such, failure was inevitable, as was the guilt that accompanied it. 

Though he understood that failure and weakness were inherent parts of being human, he was still working on learning how to forgive himself for not being above that. This journey had proven to be a literal step in that direction.

_Thanks be to God._

He had begun this journey in early April, nearly eight weeks ago now, at Saint-Jean-Pied-de-Port, France. Surprisingly, he hadn't chosen to walk the Camino de Santiago for religious reasons, though 'The Way of St. James' certainly had personal significance. It had never really been about the destination, in spite of the fact that it was a traditional pilgrimage route.

In the end, he had chosen this trek because it required much less mental effort than shorter, more complicated walks. It was 470 miles of clearly marked trails and all he had to do each day was follow the signs and walk. It required no daily planning and no detailed research.

What he had wanted and needed was time and space to think and the endless, monotonous walking had provided him with ample opportunities for that. He had walked from one end of Spain to the other and part of the way back again.

Though his body ached, he felt rejuvenated and more settled than he had in months. It had been a long process, but he had managed to work through much of what had driven him to leave the force. 

He realised now that he had been struggling for some time before he'd left, though he had done his best to convince himself, and everyone else, that he was fine. As he'd walked, he had tried to pinpoint the source of his struggles and he had eventually come to understand that his issues were the result of one thing building upon another - something of a cascade effect. It was a bit like knocking down a row of dominos, each causing the next to fall, one after the other after the other, until the last was flat on the ground.

The end result was that he had completely lost his ability to distance himself from the horrors of the job and without that, it had been impossible to continue. Each case had become far too personal and painful. 

He remembered Liv Nash asking him, "Who do you talk to?" It was a logical question, but at the time he'd still had most of his defences intact. Dead bodies were simply a part of the job. There had been a couple of notable exceptions: Will, of course, and then...the Zelinski case. Perhaps that case had been the point when the walls of professional detachment had begun to crumble. It had been followed almost immediately by the murders at Crevecoeur and he'd had no time to recover his professional objectivity.

But this journey had strengthened and renewed him physically, mentally, and emotionally. He'd found that he was not only thinking about returning to the force, but he'd realised that it was what he really wanted to do. 

It was a job he excelled at and none of the alternatives he'd considered would give him anything near the sense of purpose he derived from solving cases, putting criminals behind bars, and bringing some level of peace and resolution to victims' families. 

But could he do the job without Lewis beside him every day? Could he do it without...Robbie? He certainly felt ready to take on the lead role in investigations. He'd probably been ready to do that for quite some time, but could he handle the challenges of working with someone new, mentoring his own sergeant, without the support of the one man who had been there for him every step of the way? 

Only time would tell, but he was confident in his decision to return and go for promotion. For the first time in a long while, he didn't feel the need to question his choice. It just felt right. 

There was, of course, one final thing that he needed to come to terms with before he could return to Oxford and get on with his life and it was a major reason why he had felt the need to completely disconnect. Distance encouraged perspective, or so he'd hoped.

Over the years, James had come to accept that the depth of his attachment to Robbie went well beyond that of a colleague or friend. No one could have been more surprised than he to discover that he had developed romantic feelings for his boss, particularly given his inherent aversion to connecting with anyone beyond a superficial level. 

But from the day they'd met, there had been something special between them. Robbie had a way of encouraging closeness without any expectations and James had, quite unwittingly, allowed this one person to pass beyond the walls he had so carefully erected around himself.

He had honestly never imagined that he could fall in love with anyone. He had always considered himself far too closed-off and wary to let that happen. But this thing with Robbie had snuck up on him. His feelings had developed gradually over time and when he'd finally understood what was happening, it was far too late to stop it.

He didn't doubt that Robbie cared for him - perhaps even loved him, just not in the same way. Robbie had never given any indication that he was aware of James's deeper feelings, which was probably for the best. 

James couldn't imagine that anything he could offer Robbie would be enough to fill the void left in Robbie's life by Val's death. Besides, it seemed that Robbie had already found someone who was a perfect match for him. Even James could see it. 

There was no doubt that Robbie and Laura were well-suited and clearly enjoyed each other's company. But they had been engaging in this odd, sterile mating dance for the past few years. James had honestly never understood why Robbie had hesitated so long to make a move with Laura. One minute, he would seem ready to pursue the relationship and the next, he would back away.

Because James cared about them both and sincerely wanted them to be happy, he had done what he could to encourage things. But by the time he'd left for that week of service in Kosovo, he'd begun to think that it was never going to happen.

That's why the timing of them finally getting together had caught him so completely off-guard. He had, by that point, convinced himself that Robbie was never going to take the initiative with Laura. 

Which was precisely why that unexpected kiss between Robbie and Laura in the pub on the day of his return had been such a gut-punch. He had been caught with his defences down and though, outwardly at least, he had recovered quickly, the truth was that it had hit him hard.

It had taken every bit of inner resolve he'd had to be supportive and encouraging. He _was_ happy for them, truly, but unexpectedly seeing them together like that had been painful and on top of everything else he was dealing with, it was almost too much.

A few weeks later, Adam Tibbett's suicide had been the final blow. So he had resigned his position and proceeded to walk the whole of Spain which, surprisingly, had turned out to be a wise decision.

This walk had given him time to sort through all of his issues, one by one, and it had certainly helped him to reach a place where he could begin to accept that his feelings for Robbie were not something to be dealt with or to be buried inside him. He simply needed to acknowledge and accept them. He couldn't change them, so he would have to learn to live with them. 

He acknowledged now that he missed Robbie with all his heart. He missed the way they always seemed to know what the other was thinking. He missed Robbie's feigned indignation at his smartarse comments and he missed their natural ease with each other. Perhaps most of all, he missed those quiet nights on Robbie's sofa when they would settle side by side, beers in hand, watching mindless telly or just sharing the silence.

The fact that Robbie was now with Laura shouldn't make any difference really, even though it felt as if it did. He had almost reached a level of acceptance and contentment before his return from Kosovo and he knew he could manage it again. 

He resolved to be happy with whatever Robbie was able to give. A solid friendship, certainly, but there was more to it than that. The 'more', however, seemed impossible to define. 

James knew that he held a special place in Robbie's heart and though they might never share the type of relationship that James truly wanted, what they did share was deep and strong. James inherently understood that he would always have that and surprisingly, that had suddenly seemed enough. It was so much more than he'd ever thought he would have with anyone, so how could he not be happy with that? 

He had been only two days' walk from Santiago de Compostela when that final realisation had occurred and a feeling of peace had descended on him. Each step he had taken on every day of this walk had helped to lighten the burdens he had been carrying. He had set them down, one by one, along the trail. He had managed to shed much of the pain, guilt, and indecision that had plagued him and he had been left with an underlying feeling of contentment that he had been missing for some time. 

It was at the point of this final acceptance that he knew he was finally ready to go home. He had spent that night in the last village but one from Santiago de Compostela and that following morning, instead of continuing his walk towards the cathedral, he had turned around and walked away from it. 

The symbolism of not ending his long walk at the cathedral seemed significant because the end of this journey had never been a physical place, but a state of mind. These long weeks of walking the Camino de Santiago had never been about reaching a sacred cathedral, but about a spiritual renewal. Definitely not a pilgrimage. 

As he glanced ahead now, he could see the city of León. He searched his mind for an appropriate quote about a journey's end and, as he often did, he fell back on Shakespeare. One of the books he had carried with him on this journey was a well-worn copy of Shakespeare's sonnets. He had spent many evenings these past few weeks reading them again and again. 

Sonnet 50 offered what he was looking for now. 

_How heavy do I journey on the way,_  
_When what I seek, my weary travel's end,_  
_Doth teach that ease and that repose to say_  
_'Thus far the miles are measured from thy friend!'_

An hour later, he walked into León. He'd been recommended a hotel by someone he'd met on the trail and, though simple, it felt like the lap of luxury after his sleeping accommodations these last few weeks. 

The first thing he did was indulge in a long, hot shower and a shave. After that, he took advantage of the computer in the lobby that was provided for guests' use. 

He'd deactivated his phone before leaving Oxford and he had deliberately avoided checking his email since he'd begun walking. It wasn't that he hadn't had opportunities, but he had needed a complete disconnect. He hadn't wanted any distractions or reminders of what he'd left behind. 

But now, as he typed in his password, he felt himself tense in anticipation. In spite of his determination to accept the state of their relationship, he found himself hoping that Robbie might at least have attempted to make contact with him. 

As he quickly scanned the long list of messages in his inbox he found, buried amongst all of the promotional offers and various other generic emails, what he had hoped to find. He felt his breath catch as he saw not one, but three emails from Robbie. 

He also noted that there was one from Innocent and two from Laura. He would read those later, but the three from Robbie had his full attention now. He scrolled down and clicked on the oldest one first. It had been sent a couple of weeks after James had left Oxford.

_James,_  
_Hope wherever you are is sunny and warm as it's been raining non-stop here. Innocent called and asked after you the other day. Had to tell her I hadn't heard from you. Maybe when you get a minute you can drop me a quick note to let me know how you're doing? Send me a postcard at least. Hope you're well and that this time away is proving beneficial._  
_Robbie_

Before he'd left, James had made a brief call to Robbie letting him know that he would be gone for some time. Now he felt a pang of guilt for keeping Robbie in the dark about where he had gone and for not letting him know, at least, that he was alive and well.

Robbie's next email had been sent a couple of weeks after the first one.

 _James,_  
_I tried to call you the other day, but I got a recorded message saying your phone was temporarily out of service. Reckon you must be far away or wanting some space. Either way, I understand, but I wanted to let you know that I've been thinking about you. Pints down the pub aren't the same without you and your smartarse comments. I miss you, lad. Where's that postcard? Keep well._  
_Robbie_

The final one had been sent just a week ago.

 _James,_  
_Don't know if you're even seeing these emails, but it makes me feel better to write them. I'm sure you're fine, but it's been nearly two months now and I can't help but worry a bit. If you see this, can you at least let me know you're okay? I understand why you needed to get away and I hope it's helped you deal with everything that was troubling you before you left, but I wish you'd think about coming home soon. First round's on me. Reckon there are one or two things we have to talk about. Still waiting for that postcard! Hope to hear from you soon, James._  
_Best, Robbie_

James sat back and took a minute to collect himself. He'd known, of course, that Robbie would be concerned about him, but for Robbie to admit that he'd been worried told James that he'd been much more than a little concerned. The last thing he'd wanted to do was cause Robbie any distress.

Perhaps he shouldn't have been quite so single-minded about disconnecting, but for once he'd felt it necessary to put his own needs above those of others. In spite of the worry he'd caused the one person that he cared most for in the world, he couldn't regret that decision as it had brought him to the point where he finally felt ready to return.

It was too late to change things in any case, but he could at least apologise and let Robbie know he would be coming home soon. And once he was done here, he would buy a postcard and get it sent off. It might not arrive much before he did, but he knew that Robbie would appreciate the gesture.

James now moved his chair closer to the computer. He thought for a moment before typing out a reply, rereading what he had written before making a couple of minor changes. He debated whether or not to tell Robbie that he had missed him too. He quickly typed the words and hit 'send' before he could change his mind.

He read Innocent's message next. She asked if he had given any thought to returning to the force and told him that if he was interested in finally sitting his inspector's exam, there was a position available for him. It was good news. James replied that he would be back in Oxford soon and would be in touch on his return. 

Laura's emails were chatty and very 'Laura'. She shared a couple of humourous stories, including one about Peterson, which put a smile on his face. She also made a point of mentioning in each email how much Robbie was missing him and that she hoped he would contact Robbie soon. He sent a short note back to her.

He was feeling restless as he headed outside. In a nearby shop he found a postcard of the León Cathedral, which he had visited when he had passed through here on his outbound journey. He wrote a brief message and posted it. He spent the next couple of hours exploring the city centre. 

When his stomach finally alerted him to the fact that it was well past dinner time, he found a small cantina close to the hotel where he enjoyed an excellent paella and a glass of crisp brut cava. He wandered a bit more after dinner, indulging in a final cigarette before returning to the hotel.

He had decided to spend a few days in Barcelona before heading home. He would email Robbie when he got there to let him know his travel plans.


	2. Chapter 2

Robbie couldn't put his finger on it, but over the last few weeks, things had felt...off with Laura. She was behaving exactly as she always had, but something wasn't right. He'd made his career by trusting his instincts, and he knew he wasn't wrong about this.

He'd asked her, of course, sure that he must have said or done something to upset her, but she'd denied it. 

Then, a few days ago, things had turned again. It was almost as if she were avoiding him now. And when they _were_ together, she seemed on edge and preoccupied. She'd even begged off their usual dinner out on Saturday night, claiming a headache. 

For at least the hundredth time since he'd left, Robbie found himself wishing James was here. Even though they were both rubbish at talking about things, James always seemed to understand Robbie's silences and he was an expert at reading between the lines. He knew when to back off and when to offer his own unique brand of reassurance and support. Robbie needed that now. He needed James - and he felt strangely adrift without him.

James had left without telling anyone - not even _him_ \- where he was going. He had received a brief and somewhat formal call from James letting him know that he was going away for a while and that he would be in touch later. Robbie had no idea what 'later' meant, but James had been gone a month now, and he'd heard nothing from him. 

Robbie'd sent a couple of emails and received no response. He'd even tried phoning once, but reached a recorded message saying that service to that number had been temporarily suspended. Wherever James was, it appeared that he had deliberately disconnected.

At this point, he wasn't even sure if James was coming back. He did his best to ignore the stab of pain that thought produced, because he had other things to think about right now. He needed to focus on sorting things out with Laura and he had to face the fact that James was not here to support him. 

Robbie had invited Laura over for dinner, hoping that they might be able to talk about whatever was going on. She seemed quite cheerful when she arrived and they had a relaxed and enjoyable dinner. Perhaps whatever was bothering her had nothing to do with him? They cleared the table and tidied the kitchen together before settling on the sofa with their coffee. 

Robbie moved to put his arm around her as he usually did, but she pulled back to her end of the sofa and said, quietly, but firmly, "Robbie, we need to talk." 

Ah. So, he hadn't been wrong, then. 

He knew from past experience just how much four small words like 'we need to talk' could impact a person's life.

_Thank Lewis for me._

_There's been an accident._

_I need a change._

He blocked each of those painful memories and focused back on Laura. She looked nervous as she began. "Look, I know you've been wondering what's been going on with me. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to worry you. It's just that I needed some time to think." 

She took a deep breath and the expression on her face did little to relieve his concerns before she continued. "Several months ago, before you and I started seeing each other, I applied for a year-long sabbatical position at the University of Kwazulu-Natal in Durban, South Africa."

He'd prepared himself for any number of things, but _that_ was certainly not one of them.

"I'd more or less forgotten about it as I hadn't heard anything - until last Thursday, when they got in touch to set up a phone interview. I was gobsmacked when they called the day after the interview and offered me the position." 

She focused her gaze on his face, clearly trying to gauge his reaction, but he still hadn't fully processed what she'd said. "Maybe," he managed to get out, "you should start at the beginning." 

"Yes. Of course. Sorry." She gave him what seemed to be an apologetic smile. "I've been tied up in knots about this and I suppose I just needed to get that out." 

He waited as she took a sip of her coffee before she continued. "About six months ago, I came to the conclusion that the ship had sailed on any possibility of a relationship between us." Her attention had been focused on the mug in her hand as she'd said that, but she looked up now and gave him one of her teasing smiles as she shrugged. "Well, obviously I was wrong, but at the time, it's what I believed."

Robbie nodded, wondering, not for the first time, why he had hesitated so long to make a move with her. 

"Once I'd come to terms with that, I started to think that perhaps some time away from Oxford would be good for me, so I put together a list of options. This sabbatical was one of them. 

He was sure the look on his face must be reflecting the surprise and bewilderment he was feeling. She didn't seem to notice as she continued. "I think you know that I've always had a strong interest in forensic anthropology. Many of the dating and analysis techniques that are used in that field are equally effective on more recently deceased human remains. 

"UKZN is one of the most respected universities in the world in the area of forensic anthropology and they've been doing some breakthrough research on crossover applications."

He could certainly understand where that would appeal to Laura. She was by far the best pathologist he had ever worked with and part of what made her so outstanding at her job was her intense curiosity and her willingness to embrace new techniques and ideas. 

"When I heard about this opportunity, I went to Jean and asked her advice. We talked for a long time over drinks one evening and by the end of that conversation, she agreed that it seemed like something I should pursue. So I made the application, never dreaming they would actually offer it to me." Robbie suddenly felt sure that his ears should have been burning during their discussion that evening. 

"That's pretty much it, really," she concluded. "I'd put it out of my mind when you and I started seeing each other and then out of the blue, I got that call." 

She paused and Robbie realised that she was now waiting for him to speak. He had so many conflicting thoughts and emotions running round in his head, it was hard to focus. But his first question had to be..."So, you've accepted the offer, then?"

Laura shook her head. "No. I told them I needed some time to think about it and they gave me until the weekend. I didn't tell you straight away because I had to decide first if I was seriously interested."

Robbie nodded. "And clearly, you are." He thought for a moment before he spoke the truth. "I think it's a wonderful opportunity and I don't see how you can turn it down."

She looked at him hopefully and he knew then that four small words had once again changed his life.

"Honestly, Robbie, I've been agonising over this, but I _do_ want to accept." She paused a moment before she added. "You could come with me, you know. You're retired, after all, and there's nothing keeping you in Oxford, now that..."

She left that sentence unfinished and he had no idea where she had been going with it. "Now that...what?"

He saw resignation in her eyes as she shook her head. She sat quietly for a moment, looking down at the coffee mug in her hands as she seemed to come to a decision. The same resignation he'd seen in her eyes was now reflected in her voice as she spoke quietly, but with determination. "Now that James is gone."

"James? What's he got to do with this?"

"Everything, really."

It was Robbie's turn to shake his head. "I don't understand."

She gave a half-hearted laugh and rolled her eyes. "I know you don't. And that's the problem, really, isn't it?"

_What the bloody hell?_ There was only so much a bloke could take in at once, and Laura was starting to test his limits. "Look, Laura, me brain's on overload at the moment. Can you say whatever it is you need to say in plain English please?" 

"Sorry, but it's complicated. Do you remember when James saw me with Franco and I'd assumed that he told you?"

That, he could understand. "Course I do. Felt like a bloody teenager all over again."

"Well, you said to me then that you don't get many chances and you don't want to waste them. I thought then that we were finally going to get _our_ chance, but then you backed off...again. That's when I decided that I needed to stop waiting for something that was never going to happen."

He detected a hint of rebuke in that statement, which was fair enough he supposed. He had never really been sure why, one minute, he felt ready to pursue things with Laura and the next, he was second-guessing himself and wondering if it was actually the right thing to do. How could he explain to her what he didn't understand himself?

He was beginning to find this whole conversation uncomfortable. This wasn't about what had happened in the past, was it? This was about Laura leaving. And what did any of this have to do with James? 

"But we finally got there, didn't we?" He heard the unintentional edge in his voice. 

She didn't seem to notice or she chose to ignore it. "We did, yes. But have you ever thought about when that happened?"

Robbie thought for a moment. "It was during the case involving Jack Cornish."

"Yes, but what else was significant about that case?"

_What was she playing at?_ "Well, James was off in Pristina and..."

"Exactly. James was gone."

He was starting to feel a bit defensive now. Why was she trying to make this about him, and why drag James into it? "Look, Laura, I'm not up to riddles tonight. What, exactly, are you trying to say here?"

She reached up and touched his cheek as she smiled affectionately at him.

"Robbie, have you ever considered the possibility that you might have...feelings for James that go beyond friendship?"

He felt himself tense at her words. _What?_ "Where on earth did you get such a daft idea?"

She laughed. "It's not daft."

Finding out that Laura was leaving had been a shock, but this was too much. He felt his face flush as he struggled to understand his intense reaction to what she was implying. Of course he and James were close. They'd been partners for years and there was no question that each would give his life for the other without hesitation. 

But even as he tried to deny to himself that what she was saying was just plain wrong, he began to wonder if she might be closer to the mark than he was willing to admit. There was no doubt that he had felt adrift since James had gone. 

And it wasn't just missing their shared pints or the companionship of someone that knew him well. He missed the way they could almost read each other's minds and the way they could comfortably settle against each other on Robbie's couch while decompressing from a tough case.

He missed the lad's smart-arsery and his understated humour. He even missed him quoting bloody Shakespeare at every opportunity. He missed _James_ and he missed him almost to the point of a physical ache. Still... "And just how, precisely, does it make sense?" 

She appeared to hesitate before she said, "Look, I'm sorry. I really hadn't intended to bring this up tonight and the last thing in the world I should want to talk about right now is James, but it all comes back to him, really, doesn't it?" 

She took a final sip of her coffee and set her empty mug down next to his barely touched one.

"All of this assumes, of course, that I'm right in suspecting that gender might not be a significant issue for you in matters of the heart. And I _am_ right about that, aren't I?"

_Bloody hell._ When had this evening gone so far off track? He had always known Laura was a keen observer, but he was sure that he had never given her any reason to doubt his attraction to her. 

It wasn't as though he had ever made a conscious decision to hide his bisexuality, but given the narrow-minded views of some of his colleagues, it had seemed easier just to let people make their own assumptions. It was no one's business but his. And besides, once he'd met Val that was it for him. Until now. Until Laura...and...James? 

Anyway, he supposed it really didn't matter how Laura had sussed it out, but he had no reason to deny it. He nodded as he said, "Aye. You're right. It's just not something I ever felt the need to discuss." 

She acknowledged his response with a slight smile and said quietly, "No, of course not. But why do you think you waited so long to make a move with me?" 

He started to answer, but she held up her hand to stop him. Clearly it was a rhetorical question. "It wasn't just Val, Robbie. And ever since James left, you've been a morose old sod and irritable as hell. Do you have any idea how many times a day you mention him?"

He was still reeling from the bombshell Laura had dropped about her sabbatical and now she was telling him that she believed he was in love with James? Well if he was, it was news to him. She might be right, but he'd need some time to process what she was saying.

As for being irritable, well he'd been hurt more than he'd admitted to her that James had left without telling him where he was going or when, if ever, he was coming back. So yeah, he knew he'd been out of sorts. Why wouldn't he be? 

And why were they talking about James anyway? This was about Laura leaving. That's what they should be discussing. So he was probably far more surprised than she when the next words out of his mouth were, "Even if what you're saying is true, you can't possibly believe that James could feel the same way."

She seemed momentarily disconcerted, but she spoke calmly. "You're a good detective, Robbie. After all these years, can you honestly tell me that you've never noticed the way he looks at you when he thinks no one's watching? And why do you think he left so soon after we got together?"

Before he had a chance to formulate a response, she continued with her final bit of evidence.

"If you had been the one facing him that afternoon in the White Horse when he'd returned from Kosovo, you'd understand. I obviously had no idea that either he or Jean were there when I kissed you, but the look of pain and absolute devastation I saw on his face left no doubt as to his feelings. He recovered quickly, but it was there and it's weighed on me ever since." 

He wanted to tell her that she had it all wrong, but he struggled to find the words. She put her fingers over his lips then, apparently to stop him from trying. 

"There is one more thing I need to say," she continued, "and it's important. I don't want to leave you thinking that this is all about you and your feelings for James because it's not. The truth is, it's every bit as much about me as it is you."

She took a deep breath. "I suppose I've always thought that finding the right person to settle down with would somehow complete my life, but..."

She reached out and grabbed his hand. "I'm not quite sure how to say this without it coming out wrong." She paused as she appeared to carefully consider her words. "Robbie, this relationship with you has been the best, most fulfilling one of my life. I couldn't have asked for a kinder, sweeter, more attentive partner. So believe me when I say that this is not about you. But it seems that what I thought I wanted isn't, in fact, what I want." 

Robbie seriously wished he had something a bit stronger than coffee in front of him right now. Cold coffee was clearly not going to help him deal with the odd turn this evening had taken. He closed his eyes briefly, wondering how they had ended up here as Laura continued. 

"Maybe I've been on my own too long, but I've realised that making allowances for someone else just isn't something I'm able to do, no matter how important that person is to me. I just don't think I'm cut out to be part of an 'us' at this point in my life. I'm so sorry, Robbie. If it was ever going to work with anyone for me, it would have been with you."

He wasn't entirely sure why he suddenly felt as though a weight had been lifted. Knowing that going their separate ways was clearly what Laura wanted allowed him to give some priority to his own feelings and what he felt first was, surprisingly, relief. 

He clearly had a lot of thinking to do, but if he were honest he would have to say that his relationship with Laura had never had that spark that he had had with Val and that he had hoped to one day find again. He had resolved early on that he would never compare Laura to Val and he hadn't. He valued her for the person she was. They had an easy, comfortable relationship and the sex had been good, but there had always seemed to be 'something' missing. He knew now that Laura had felt it too. 

Perhaps this sabbatical was fate's way of giving them a chance to part companionably and to hang on to their friendship. He sighed as he said, "It's fine, Laura. I agree. No, I do. It's...it's right for both of us." 

She nodded and was quiet for a minute before she spoke again. "You and James are good together, you know. You deserve to have someone special in your life and so does he." She smiled and gave him a cheeky look. "Besides, I'd feel a lot less guilty about all this if you two could just manage to get your heads out of your arses and actually talk to each other about this."

Robbie couldn't help but laugh at that and Laura joined in.

She sobered again as she said, "Look, I know I've dropped a lot on you and we both have a lot to digest, so I think any further discussion should wait for another night, don't you? I won't be leaving for at least a month and we'll have plenty of time to talk through everything and get things sorted between us before I leave, all right?"

He nodded and couldn't stop himself from saying, "I'll say this for you, you don't half know how to spoil the mood of an evening." 

She let out a relieved laugh as she reached out and took his hand. "You mean the world to me, you know and I would hate it if we couldn't manage to find a way to stay friends."

He smiled warmly at her. "Aye, at least we agree on that." Looking at her now, he felt an overwhelming sadness. "I'm sorry too, Laura, for everything."

"I know you are. But no one's to blame. We gave it our best shot and it just wasn't meant to be." She paused, smiling up at him. "I do love you, you know, and I think that you love me too." 

He clasped both of her hands firmly in his as he smiled and nodded. "Aye, I do."

"But I'm not sure we were ever really 'in love,' were we? She was quiet for a moment before she added, "It's strange, but I'm not as upset as I should be. Sad, certainly, but in a way it feels as though we were both trying too hard to make something work that wasn't really right for either of us. It all feels a bit inevitable really, doesn't it?" 

He had to admit that he felt the same way, but he wasn't sure if that would be the right thing to say now. Fortunately, she didn't seem to expect a response from him.

"Anyway. I'll go home now and have a bit of a cry, and then I'll start making plans for a year in South Africa." 

They stood and walked to the door in silence. Before he opened it, he pulled her into his arms and kissed her tenderly one last time. She returned the kiss with equal affection. They held each other quietly for a moment and as they separated, she reached up and cupped his cheek with her hand. "No regrets, eh? I wouldn't have traded these past few months for anything."

"No," he said quietly, "no regrets." He kissed her once more quickly before letting her go. "Send us a text to let me know you're home safe?"

"Of course. Goodnight, Robbie. I'll call you in a couple of days, all right?" 

He nodded. "'Yeah. Night, love." She smiled a bit sadly, it seemed, as she turned and walked to her car.

He waited to see her away before he turned and walked back into the house. He was in a bit of a daze as he picked up the coffee cups and carried them to the kitchen. He debated about warming his up, but decided he needed something a bit stronger, so he grabbed a beer from the fridge. He turned off all the lights except for the small one on an end table, and sat back down on the couch.

His mind was reeling with snippets of conversation and unexpected revelations. To say that the evening had been surprising would be a monumental understatement.

At least he finally knew what had been troubling Laura. Her preoccupation and evasiveness over the last few days now made sense. She'd had a big decision to make and she'd needed to make it on her own. He understood that being around him would have made it harder for her.

But he'd noticed issues between them for a few weeks now. Well, she'd explained that too, hadn't she, with her completely unexpected insinuations about James and her admission of her own reservations? 

He felt a deep sadness and more than a bit of guilt at not being able to offer her more. He wondered if he had really given their attempt at a relationship all that he could and as he thought about it, he really believed that he had. They both had and it seemed that no matter what either had done to try to change things, they would still have ended up where they were tonight. 

Laura was certainly not one to say things she didn't mean and he believed her when she'd said that she wasn't deeply upset; that it all felt a bit inevitable. The most important thing now was finding a way to remain friends and he had no doubt that they would both do everything they could to ensure that would happen.

They had been close friends long before they had tried to turn the relationship into something more. Surely they could find their way back to that. He felt confident that they would both emerge from this relatively unscathed and as solid in their friendship as they had ever been.

His phone alerted him to an incoming text. He pulled it out of his pocket and read the message. _Home safe. I'd say 'sleep well', but I'm guessing that neither of us will have a particularly restful night. We'll talk soon. Goodnight, Robbie._

He clumsily punched out a reply. _A doubleshot espresso's got nothing on you for wiring a person's brain. Don't actually know how to do a smiley face or I'd put one here, because I'm joking. Yeah, we'll talk soon. Goodnight, Laura._

He set his phone down on the table, took a large sip of his beer, and returned to his contemplations. In spite of everything that had happened with Laura tonight, he was finding it difficult to keep his mind off James.

It was true that he had been feeling James's absence deeply. Laura was right about his moodiness and he knew that he had been more than a bit snappish. 

He missed the lad more than he had thought possible and though he would never compare it to losing Val, he did feel as though he'd lost an important part of what made his life meaningful every day. 

James had been beside him for most of their waking hours these past several years. They'd seen each other through difficult cases, and they'd kept each other entertained during long, boring hours of endless paperwork. 

The two of them possessed an almost telepathic form of communication and they often sat shoulder to shoulder when there was plenty of space to spread out. They'd shared hundreds of meals and probably thousands of pints. No one understood him better than James, and he was probably the only person who really understood James.

Well, James had said that, hadn't he, the day he'd surprised Robbie with, 'If you go, I go?' He'd followed that revelation with, 'Who else would understand me?' and though he'd said it in a facetious manner, Robbie had known he was absolutely serious.

James could be a contrary sod, no doubt about it, but Robbie'd always seen that behaviour for what he believed it was - a form of self-protection. James's abrupt and defensive nature was almost like a layer of armour he wore to keep the world at bay.

On rare occasions, James had allowed Robbie glimpses of what was beneath that protective layer. Robbie had understood the enormity of that gesture, and he had appreciated it for the gift that it was.

He was all too aware that his taking up with Laura had meant less time spent with James. He'd felt the pain of that loss himself and he'd felt guilty often enough knowing that James was spending more time alone. 

But James had always pushed him towards Laura. Why would he do that if he had feelings for Robbie? Unless...he'd believed that Robbie could never return those feelings and he wanted Robbie's happiness above all else?

Robbie knew from years of working with Laura that there was little she missed and that she was rarely wrong in what she inferred from her observations. If she believed that he was in love with James, well, maybe there was some truth in that. He could readily admit that he loved James, but as Laura had referenced the distinction, was he 'in love' with him?

Almost from the beginning, there'd been a solid and special bond between the two of them. They just seemed to fit together so naturally. He thought back to those few times when their relationship had been tested. Not only had they survived those difficult times, but they'd emerged on the other side more tightly connected to each other than before. 

He knew that close friendships could feel like that, but this was different, at least from his perspective. To begin with, there were all of those surprising thoughts and feelings he'd had over the years that he'd never allowed himself to examine too closely. Perhaps it was time to bring them out and face them.

The first thing his mind focused on was that horrific night when he'd almost lost James. He felt once more the extreme panic that had threatened to overwhelm him when he'd arrived at Zoe Kenneth's flat to find it ablaze, knowing that James was inside. 

He'd had nightmares for weeks after, dreaming that he hadn't arrived in time to save him. He had never questioned the intensity of his emotions surrounding that incident, but that certainly seemed to be the point when he had begun to look at James in a different way.

He'd always valued James's intelligence, loyalty, compassion, and huge heart, but he'd begun to notice more physical things about James that he'd never given much thought to before. Like the way he ducked his head and smiled shyly when he was embarrassed, or the way his eyes danced with merriment when he was taking the piss. 

Robbie had come to the conclusion that he preferred James's hair a bit longer and that James's dark gray suit looked especially nice on his tall, thin frame. And he certainly had a soft spot for that lavender shirt the lad sometimes wore with the matching socks. 

And then there were James's hands. It seemed that Robbie had a bit of an obsession with those hands. He'd spent far too much time focused on the way those long, slender fingers moved across a computer keyboard or the way they casually cradled a phone held to an ear. 

But he'd been particularly aware of James's hands when they were holding a cigarette. James invariably brought both hands up to his face, presumably to block any breeze, as he lit the cigarette. As he stuffed the lighter back into his pocket with one hand, the other would curl around the cigarette, pulling it out of his mouth with a smooth, reflexive movement. 

If they were walking along a busy street, he would shift the cigarette from one hand to the other as they encountered people moving in the opposite direction. He'd casually gesture with it as he spoke and he constantly played with it in his hand, as though it were something that helped him to focus his thinking. And when Robbie watched James bring that cigarette to his lips...well, he sometimes found that he had trouble remembering how to breathe.

He and James had never been hesitant or uncomfortable about physical contact between them, but the casual touches that they regularly exchanged were very different from the ways Robbie had sometimes thought about James touching him. He'd wondered what those hands would feel like cupping his face or grabbing at his waist and pulling him close. He'd wondered how their very different hands would fit together as their fingers entwined. 

And then there was James's mouth. A subject that he could easily spend days contemplating, but for now it seemed he had all the evidence he needed. 

So yeah, maybe Laura was right. And if he could admit that he might be in love with James, was Laura also right about James's feelings for him? She seemed quite certain of it. 

If he accepted both premises as fact, it put so much that had happened between them over the years into perspective. It was like having the last piece of a puzzle finally slot into place. 

Their connection had always been deep and strong, as well as bloody complicated and confusing at times. Maybe some of those confusing signals he had got from James from time to time made a little more sense now. James, wanting something he thought he could never have and Robbie being completely oblivious. 

So, was James's leaving now another form of self-protection? Had seeing Robbie and Laura together been too difficult for him, on top of the other struggles he was dealing with? It at least seemed like a possible explanation. 

So, what now? All he could do was wait. Wait for James to make contact and see what developed from there.

It all seemed more than he could deal with at the moment. He rose and headed for bed, though he was sure sleep would not come easily tonight.

More than anything now, he wanted a chance to find out if Laura had been right. Trouble was, he didn't know if he would ever get that chance. Because James was gone - and he hadn't even sent a bloody postcard.


	3. Chapter 3

Robbie made his way through Sainsbury's to the frozen food aisle. He paused in front of the 'ready meals and pies' section and selected half a dozen that he dropped into his cart. As he did so, he pictured James levelling a critical scowl at him. _Surprisingly, sir, 'frozen' is not one of the four basic food groups._ Whenever James disapproved, Robbie was still 'sir'. 

James had even taken the time to teach him how to make a couple of quick, simple meals with fresh ingredients and he had learned a couple more from Laura. He had to admit that they did taste better and cooking really wasn't that hard when you put your mind to it. And now that he was retired, time was certainly not an issue. He smiled as he put three of the frozen meals back and moved on to the fruit and veg aisle.

He'd still heard nothing from James. He'd sent one more email last week asking him to get in touch, at least to let him know he was all right. Robbie was now checking his email several times a day.

He and Laura had said their goodbyes the previous evening and her flight had left early this morning. They had talked several more times over the past month and though their natural ease with each other had suffered a bit, Robbie was confident that all was well between them. They both seemed determined to maintain their close friendship. He would miss her, but they would certainly keep in touch - as friends. 

He quickly put his groceries away and headed for his computer. It seemed to take an age for his email to load but when it did, his heart leapt into his throat as he saw the message that had popped up at the top of his inbox. 

Higher powers aside, he gave thanks to some force in the universe that James was apparently alive and well. He had to take a minute to steady his nerves and his hand still shook a bit as he clicked on James's reply to his last email.

 _Robbie,_

_I'm so very sorry to have caused you concern. I hope you will believe me when I say that it was certainly never my intention to worry you. Today is the first time I've checked my email since I left Oxford._

_As you know, I've had a number of things weighing on me these last few months and I realised that the only way to clear my head and regain my equilibrium was to completely disconnect from everything and everyone in Oxford._

_If I had only thought, I could have at least sent you a message to let you know all was well, but the truth is that I was so caught up in what was going on in my own head that it never occurred to me. I hope you can forgive me for that._

_I've been in Spain these last couple of months. I'll explain in more detail later, but this time away has been good in many ways. I've made some decisions and I feel as though I have a better perspective on things._

_And...I am headed home! I should be back in Oxford within the week. I will let you know details as I get them firmed up._

_I hope you and Laura are well. I've missed you too, Robbie, and I'm very much looking forward to drinks and a catch up._

_I'll be in touch again soon._

_All best,_

_James_

Robbie was unaware he'd been holding his breath until he felt it escape in a loud exhale. His sense of relief was nearly overwhelming and he couldn't seem to stop the laughter that bubbled up now. James was safe and well. He felt a bit dazed and if his eyes were a bit more moist than usual, well, he'd seen people react in lots of different ways to good news, as well as bad, over the years.

James was coming home! He read the message through several more times, focusing on one line in particular each time.

_I've missed you too, Robbie..._

If he'd had any doubts before about his feelings, his reaction to that one line and to the thought of seeing James again put paid to them. 

A couple of days later, a second email let Robbie know that James would be flying into London the day after tomorrow and would catch the train to Oxford from there. Robbie immediately wrote back and offered to pick James up at the airport. He chuckled as he envisioned holding up a sign with 'Hathaway' written in his best hand, but James, though appreciative, said that he would prefer to make his own way and would need much of the first day back to get himself sorted.

Robbie was disappointed, but he understood. Besides, he realised that he would rather see James for the first time in a less public place. He sent another email to invite James over for dinner the night after his return and James responded that he would look forward to that and asked if Laura would be joining them.

Robbie had replied with a brief 'no', it would just be the two of them. He would save that explanation until they were face to face. He set his mind to meal planning and came up with an option that he knew James would enjoy. 

 

****

James stepped down onto the train platform and made his way through the crowded station. As he walked out into the street, he was met by a cloudy sky and a light, steady drizzle. It was more of a heavy mist really, but it put a damp chill in the air. He smiled as he realised that he had actually missed this miserable English weather during all of those long, hot days of walking. It felt good to be home. He pulled his anorak out of his pack and shrugged into it before hoisting the pack onto his back for one last walk.

He fell asleep shortly after arriving back at his flat and slept like the dead. He awoke the next morning, refreshed and with a renewed sense of purpose. 

His first priority of the day was to get his phone reactivated. Once that was accomplished, he sent a message to Robbie letting him know he was back and that he would see him for dinner. He also spoke with Innocent's PA and set up a time to meet with Innocent the following morning.

He cleaned his flat, sorted through his accumulated post, did a bit of shopping, and stopped at the off-licence to get a couple of bottles to take to Robbie's. 

At half-six, he found himself standing outside Robbie's door trying, without much success, to slow the beat of his heart. He took a couple of deep breaths before ringing the bell. 

"James!" Robbie exclaimed as he opened the door and stepped forward to wrap his arms around him. James, feeling such joy at seeing Robbie again, immediately reciprocated the gesture. It could have been an awkward moment, but the happiness each seemed to be feeling at the sight of the other took all of that away. 

"Aw, man, I can't tell you how good it is to see you," Robbie said as he pulled back. "Come in, come in." He stepped aside to let James enter. 

"It's really good to see you, too, Robbie." James smiled as held up the bag containing the wine. "I didn't know what we were having, so I've brought one of each." 

"Red, I think. Dinner's almost ready. Come on through." 

They walked together to the kitchen and the smells that were coming from that direction made James's stomach rumble. "Clearly we are not having anything from the frozen food aisle or one of our usual takeaways. It smells wonderful. So who are you and what have you done with my boss?"

As he took the bag James handed him, Robbie threw him a mock scowl, just as James had hoped he would. James ducked his head and smiled. God, how he'd missed this! He'd missed the teasing and casual banter that always flowed so naturally between them and the good-natured jabs each regularly threw at the other. He'd missed how comfortable and relaxed they could be together and how easily they communicated with a look or a nod. 

Fuck! He had to stop that line of thought immediately. He'd barely been in Robbie's company five minutes and he was already in danger of losing that firm resolve that he had worked so hard to attain. He gave himself a quick mental shake as Robbie pulled out the bottle of white, put it in the fridge, and opened the bottle of red. 

"Glad to see you didn't misplace your smartarse gene while you were away." Robbie smirked as he handed one of the glasses to James. "Not your boss anymore, remember? And, I _can_ cook, or don't you recall teaching me?"

Robbie raised his glass in a toast before James had a chance to respond. "Welcome home, lad. You've been missed."

"Thank you, it's good to be back." He gave Robbie a genuine smile as they clinked their glasses together before he took a sip of his wine. He couldn't begin to get a handle on all of the emotions that were flooding through him right now, so he focused on the meal. 

He noted the covered roasting pan on top of the stove, the pre-warmed plates covered with a tea towel, and what must be vegetables steaming in a pot. And there was still something in the oven. He nodded his head towards the stove as he said, "Well, I certainly didn't teach you all this. What are we having?"

The timer went off just then and Robbie moved to shut it off. He turned on the light in the oven, bending down to check on what was inside. "Well, I reckoned it had been a while since you'd had a proper English meal so we're having roast beef and Yorkshire pudding with roast potatoes and steamed broccoli. It seemed like an appropriate welcome home meal."

"Seriously," James said now, shaking his head and smiling, "who _are_ you? And if you are Robbie Lewis, when did you learn to cook a beef roast and make Yorkshire pudding?"

Robbie looked a bit sheepish. "Today, actually. To be honest, I've been on the phone with our Lyn at least a dozen times today as she talked me through it all. Here, take a look, will you?" he said as he nodded towards the oven. "What do you think, are they ready?" 

James moved to the oven and glanced at the puddings in the muffin tray. "Yes, they look perfect."

"Right, well give us a hand getting all this on the plates then." 

Just before they sat, James pulled out his phone. "Hold your plate up and I'll take a picture you can send to Lyn later."

"Yeah, all right. S'pose she deserves to see how it turned out." Robbie dutifully held his plate in front of him and smiled as James snapped the picture.

James was touched by the amount of effort Robbie had clearly put into this meal and it really was excellent. He'd even managed to get a rise on his puddings that was better than any James had ever achieved. 

Over dinner, he told Robbie that he had spent the last couple of months walking the Camino de Santiago.

"Ah, that reminds me," Robbie interrupted early on. "Got your postcard yesterday. Appreciate it and I'm not complaining, mind, but you might have sent it a bit sooner."

"Yes, I know. I'm sorry." And he truly was. "I just wasn't thinking about how concerned you'd be when you didn't hear from me." 

Robbie reached out and put his hand on James's arm briefly. "You're all right. I understand that you needed to make a clean break. Just don't do it again, yeah?" He pulled his hand back, somewhat reluctantly, it seemed.

James smiled at him as he raised his hand, holding up three fingers. "Scout's honour. If I go walking again, I will at least let you know I am well."

Robbie nodded, seemingly satisfied. 'So, you walked to the cathedral, then? My old neighbour went on a pilgrimage there."

He shook his head. "It wasn't a pilgrimage."

"No? Well, you'll at least have to show me some pictures."

James distractedly moved his food around on his plate, before taking another bite. He hesitated a bit longer before he said, "I didn't go to the cathedral." He didn't look up but he could picture the surprise on Robbie's face. "I got to the last village but one and then I turned around and came back."

Now he did look up and Robbie appeared distinctly puzzled. "You walked right across Spain to see a church and then you didn't go in?"

Of course there was much more to it than that, but for now, that was enough. "Yeah."

Robbie shook his head and returned his focus to his meal, apparently unsure how to respond to that. In an effort to change the subject, James asked, "So, what's the good doctor up to this evening?"

He caught a brief look of unease before Robbie responded. "She's out of town. It's a bit of a long story, best saved until after dinner."

James nodded. He could read Robbie well enough to understand that not only was it a long story, but a complicated and uncomfortable one. His stomach gave an odd lurch as he retreated to a safe topic. "I imagine Jack is keeping Lyn on her toes. Have you seen him recently?"

Robbie beamed now. "Aye, a couple of weeks ago." The rest of the meal was spent with James happily listening to tales of Jack's adventures.

James helped clear and put away the leftovers. He loaded the dishwasher while Robbie put the pans to soak and then they took the rest of the bottle of wine to the living room. James smiled to himself as Robbie took up his usual place, almost in the middle of the couch, forcing James to squeeze in beside him. 

Of all the things he had missed while he was gone, this is what he had thought about the most. The two of them happily sharing this bit of space. Robbie topped off their glasses and they both settled, arms and legs touching, and heads resting against the back of the sofa. James was in no hurry for conversation. He was savouring the feeling of having Robbie's solid and reassuring presence beside him once again. 

When Robbie finally spoke, it was not to talk about Laura but to ask, "So, did you find what you were looking for on this 'not a pilgrimage' of yours?"

James smiled and nodded. "I did." He couldn't begin to articulate what the journey had done for him and he wasn't particularly inclined to do so. Not yet anyway and he knew Robbie wouldn't push. "I have a meeting set up with Innocent tomorrow."

James could tell that he'd got Robbie's attention, but Robbie waited patiently for James to continue, clearly not wanting to misunderstand. "I've decided to return to the force and sit the inspector's exam."

Robbie sat up now and turned to look at James with a surprised, but clearly pleased, look on his face. He reached out and clapped his hand on James's shoulder. "Aw, man, that's great news. You'll make a damn fine DI." He was suddenly serious again. "But are you sure it's what you want? You're not just doing it because you don't know what else to do?"

James felt the warmth of Robbie's hand burning into his shoulder as he replied, "Yes, I'm sure. Though apparently, I had to walk far enough to wear out two pairs of shoes and endure so many blisters on my feet that I'll probably have permanent scars before I figured it out. It _is_ what I want. Innocent sent me an email letting me know that if I'm interested, there's an inspector's job available, so I'll see what she has to say tomorrow."

'Right. Good. That's really good." Robbie nodded as he removed his hand, leaving James feeling its absence. Robbie took a sip of his wine, and settled back down beside James. "Whatever I can do to help, I'm here."

James smiled. "Thank you. I'll speak with Innocent tomorrow and make my plans from there. Hopefully, I'll be ready for the exam by the next date it's offered."

They were quiet for some time before Robbie spoke again. "Laura's in South Africa."

That caught James completely off guard. "What's she doing there?"

Robbie smiled a bit awkwardly as he said, "Expanding her knowledge of forensic anthropology." This time it was James who kept silent, waiting for Robbie to continue. "She's on a year's sabbatical at a university there." 

James had no idea how to respond to that. He turned and faced Robbie so that he might read what was on his face. What he saw was a calm resignation.

"She'd applied for the position a few months before she and I started seeing each other. About five or six weeks ago now, they offered it to her. We talked about it and she decided to take it."

"Couldn't you have gone with her?"

"Yeah, but the truth is, it forced us to face the fact that even though we both gave it our best, it wasn't going to work for us in the long run. Turns out Laura's happier on her own and as for me, well..." He let that thought trail off before he continued. "Anyway, it's a brilliant opportunity for her and it was the right decision - for both of us."

James wanted to ask about Robbie's unfinished sentence, but of course, he couldn't. What he did say was, "I'm sorry, Robbie. I really am."

"Know you are and I appreciate it, but it's fine - really. Laura's fine too and we've managed to hold onto our friendship which was important to both of us." He paused before he added with a smile, "So, I reckon I'll be pestering you to go for pints or to come to mine for meals more than you'll want. You can always tell me to bugger off if I get to be a pest."

James laughed. "I think I can manage to put up with it. After all, I've been your fallback date for years."

Robbie scowled at that. "Know you're joking, but just to be clear, you're no one's fallback and never have been. Truth is, I used to feel like I was taking advantage, taking up so much of your time when you should have been out with people your own age, but selfishly, not guilty enough to send you on your way. I've always enjoyed the time we've spent together." 

He turned to look at James then and James's heart skipped a beat. For just a moment, he was sure he saw something in Robbie's expression that he had longed to see, but before he could confirm it, it was gone, replaced with a casual smile. "Anyway," Robbie continued, looking down now, "I'm right glad you're back and I'll be happy to have you as me date any night you've not got a better offer."

James smirked and couldn't help himself as he responded, "Looks like we'll be going steady then, sir."

Robbie's eyebrows shot up. "Thought we'd got beyond that 'sir' thing."

He'd actually said it deliberately because he knew it would get a reaction. He smiled as he responded, "Sorry, habit of years...Robbie. Anyway, you won't be the only one asking for pints and takeaways. And I hope, if Innocent still has that job for me, you'll help me prepare for the exam."

"Reckon you could probably pass it tomorrow, but yeah, course I will."

They were mostly silent as they finished their wine, shoulders pressed together in that reassuring way that James had thought about so often as he'd walked.

He could have happily stayed like this forever, but he needed some space to think through everything that Robbie had said and what, if anything, it meant for him. When his glass was empty, he set it on the coffee table and made to stand. "Thank you, Robbie, for the excellent meal and the wonderful welcome home, but I should probably be on my way." 

Robbie seemed disappointed, but he rose with James. "Course. You're probably still trying to get settled after being gone so long."

They walked to the door together as James said, "I'll call you as soon as I've finished my meeting with Innocent."

Robbie nodded. "Oh, almost forgot. Laura made me promise I'd give you something from her." He held his arms open and realising what he was offering, James stepped forward into the embrace. He was surprised when Robbie's lips brushed his cheek with a quick kiss.

As they pulled back, he noticed Robbie was blushing. "Told me she'd be checking with you to be sure I gave you everything she requested. Hope you don't mind." 

James smiled. He was a bit surprised that Laura would ask Robbie to kiss him, but he was very glad she had. Before he could think better of it, he leaned in and kissed Robbie's cheek in return. It felt like the right response, but even if it wasn't, he didn't regret it. "I don't mind." He knew he should have said, 'Tell Laura that's for her,' but he chose not to because in truth, it wasn't.

Robbie still had a look of mild embarrassment on his face, but he was also grinning now. He placed his hand on James's arm and let it linger there as he said, "Good night, lad. It's really good to have you back."

"Good night, Robbie, and thank you. The meal was excellent."

As James walked home, he replayed the conversations from the evening in his head and tried to call to mind again that expression he had seen briefly on Robbie's face. It was a look he had never expected to see and it had come and gone so quickly, he was beginning to wonder if it had been there at all.

Still, the whole evening had felt different, hadn't it? He knew Robbie had missed him and was glad to have him back. Perhaps that was enough to account for the surprising amount of effort that had gone into preparing that meal for him. But it was more than the dinner.

Their conversation had felt more to the point and more honest than ever before. Yes, they'd had some serious things to discuss, but the tone had been unusual and for once, things had actually been said rather than implied. Like Robbie telling him that he'd felt guilty in the past for taking up so much of James's time.

For just a moment, James allowed himself to hope that something had changed between them. That the look he thought he had seen tonight had, in fact, been there, but he quickly chastised himself for those thoughts. 

It would seem that a few hours in Robbie's company and one fleeting look was all that was needed to undermine the firm resolve his two months of walking had achieved. He shook his head and smiled as he pulled out a cigarette and lit it. Well, at least he still wanted to return to the force, so the walk hadn't been a total waste.

 

*****

 

James was seated across from Innocent in her office the next morning.

"I must say, James, I'm absolutely delighted that you've decided to return to the force and pursue a move up the ranks. I've no doubt you'll pass the OSPRE in exemplary fashion and once you've got that accomplished, you can begin work as an acting DI immediately.

"Inspector O'Neill has decided to move his family back to Ireland, so he tendered his resignation a couple of weeks ago, which prompted my email to you. He's given a month's notice which will still leave us short for a time until you can step in, so the sooner you sit the exam, the better. Can you be ready by the 15th of next month?"

James realised that he would have barely a month to prepare but with Robbie's help, he could be ready. "Yes, ma'am, I'm sure I can be."

"Excellent. I'll make the arrangements for you then. I assume you've told Robbie of your decision?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Good, he'll be a valuable resource for you. You should also speak with DI Hastings. She's the most recent inspector here to take the OSPRE, so I'm sure she'll have some good advice.

"You'll be resuming your duties as sergeant in the meantime. I'm assigning you to O'Neill for the next couple of weeks so that I can reassign his sergeant permanently. After that, we'll see where we are. First thing Monday morning, then?"

"I'll be here with bells on, ma'am."

"Good. Now if there's nothing else?"

"No, ma'am. And...thank you." He rose to leave, but stopped and turned back as she spoke again.

"Oh and, James?" She now had a genuine smile on her face. "Welcome back. You've been missed."

James smiled in return. "Thank you. It's good to be back. I'll see you Monday morning."

 

*****

 

There were days now when James could almost believe that those two months of endless walking and agonising reflection had been nothing more than a dream. He had been back in Oxford close to a month now and in some ways it felt as though he'd never been gone. 

It was strange to be back on the job without Robbie, but they were seeing enough of each other outside work to make up for that. They had easily settled back into their former routines, spending most evenings together as they teamed up to get James ready for his exam.

Since Robbie had more time on his hands, he'd taken to cooking meals for them most weeknights. He was spending time during the days at his allotment and the harvest was plentiful now, so vegetables often figured into the meals. Some of Robbie's culinary endeavours were more successful than others, but James appreciated the effort as it gave him more time to focus on his exam prep.

On nights when James had lost track of time studying or, now that he had a car again, when he was over the limit to drive, he'd spend the night in Robbie's spare room. He'd even brought some of his clothes over so that he could go straight to work from there on those mornings.

The ease and complete lack of personal space he and Robbie had always shared was still very much there, but their relationship had changed in a subtle way. James had felt it that first night and there were times now when he was almost sure that Robbie was making it clear that his feelings had changed. 

There were more touches that lingered and more significant eye contact. Sometimes, especially after a couple of drinks, it felt as though the air between them was charged, but Robbie was making no move to take things further and James was still not sure enough of Robbie's intent to make any sort of overture. Especially not now, with the exam looming.

 

***** 

 

The exam was to take place at the police training centre in Sulhamstead, near Reading, about an hour's drive away. He had stayed at Robbie's the night before so that they could make an early start. He hadn't slept particularly well and was up before his alarm, so he was surprised to see that Robbie was in the kitchen ahead of him.

"You're up early."

"Aye, well, I probably didn't sleep much better than you. Anyway, I nipped out and got you some of those special croissants you like and your favourite coffee. Knew you wouldn't want anything heavy, but that big brain of yours won't be functioning at its best if you don't have some food in your stomach."

James was surprised and touched by the gesture. "Thank you. That was very thoughtful. I admit I hadn't planned to eat anything, but I'm sure I can manage one of these."

Robbie nodded, looking pleased. 

They left early to allow for traffic, which turned out to be lighter than expected so there was time to kill before James needed to be at the exam site. Robbie suggested a walk along the canal and when they found a bench, Robbie sat, as he always did, close to the middle.

James smiled as he squeezed in beside him, letting the reassuring sensation of their physical contact wash over him and calm him. He pulled out a cigarette and lit it. They were both quiet for some time before Robbie finally spoke. 

"Been thinking back to when I moved from sergeant to inspector. Took some getting used to, being the one calling the shots, but it felt good being able to conduct investigations the way I wanted. Course when I messed up, which I did plenty of times, I had no one to blame but myself. 

"Still, I reckon I had a run I can be proud of." He paused before he added, "And I couldn't have asked for a better end to my career than these last few years with you as me sergeant."

James looked at him now and Robbie turned and smiled warmly before refocusing his gaze straight ahead. He chuckled as he continued, "There were times, in those early days, when I hadn't the faintest clue what to make of you. I still have no idea why you asked for first refusal, but I'm glad you did." 

He paused once more before he said, "You've saved me bacon many a time and I've saved yours once or twice. We've had our ups and downs, but we've looked out for each other and we've made a good team, eh?"

James leaned a bit more into Robbie now as he responded. "The best. I couldn't have asked for a better mentor and if it hadn't been for you, I would have packed it in long ago. There's no way I can ever thank you enough for everything you've taught me." 

Robbie chuckled again. "Seems like we've had a version of this conversation before. Said it then, but I'll say it again now. It's been a pleasure and an honour being your governor." He shook his head then, looking a bit sheepish. "Anyway, sorry, didn't mean to go all soppy when you've got other things to be thinking about. Just feels a bit like I'm sending you off into the world on your own now and, don't get me wrong, you're more than ready and you've absolutely earned it, it's just..."

James reached out and placed his hand over Robbie's. "I know. I feel it too. It's been strange being back at work without you. I can't tell you how many times a day I think that I should be updating you on what I've been doing or wondering if you're ready for a coffee. 

"But we'll still have plenty of time together. Pints and takeaways. And I'll happily continue to be your culinary guinea pig, but no more courgette and lime muffins, please."

Robbie laughed out loud. "Cheeky sod. You told me they weren't half bad."

"I lied. Anyway, our working partnership may have ended, but our friendship certainly hasn't."

Robbie's eyes held his for an intense moment before he looked down at James's hand that was still covering his. Robbie turned his hand over and grasped James's hand firmly. He spoke as he kept his head down. "I hope that we're heading towards something more than friendship here." 

He turned to meet James's eye again and this time there was no doubt about what James saw there. He was stunned but thrilled, apart from the lousy timing. Before he could formulate a response, Robbie squeezed his hand, released it, and stood quickly. "Now, we'd best be getting you back. You ready, Sergeant?"

He understood Robbie's purpose in the formality of that address and he responded in kind. "Yes, _sir._ " He stood and they walked in silence back to the training centre. His mind was reeling, but his focus had to be on this exam now.

"Don't have to wish you luck. You'll do fine. I'll be here when you've finished."

James nodded as he turned and walked into the building.

 

*****

 

He had been told to expect results within two weeks and it would be two weeks tomorrow. Waiting was difficult, but he was fairly confident he had done well, in spite of the surprising last-minute distraction Robbie had thrown at him. 

Nothing further had been said between them, but James assumed that Robbie might be waiting for them to get the official word on the exam. At least there was no question now about how Robbie felt. He had made his feelings clear, even if he was choosing not to act on them at the moment.

James was reviewing cold cases when a beep from his phone alerted him to a new email. The subject line told him this was what he had been waiting for. A moment later he was texting Robbie with a smile on his face.

Robbie responded immediately with his congratulations and told James to plan on a celebratory dinner at his place that evening.

Innocent walked into the incident room a few moments later. He stood as she approached him, the look on her face making it clear she had heard. "You've seen your email?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Good." She placed a hand briefly on his arm as she raised her voice now. "Can I have everyone's attention for a moment please? I've just been given the very exciting news that one of our officers has earned the highest score in the country in this round of OSPRE exams. I'd like you all to join me in congratulating Detective Inspector James Hathaway."

Cheers and applause erupted around the room as James felt his cheeks flush. Innocent reached out to shake his hand. "Congratulations, Inspector. Well done."

"Thank you, ma'am." 

"I'll expect you in my office first thing Monday morning and we'll sort out the details of your new position then."

"Yes, ma'am." 

After she'd left the room, his fellow officers took turns coming over to offer their congratulations. James was appreciative of the good wishes, but being the focus of attention made him uncomfortable. He took rain checks on several pint offers and put up with some good-natured ribbing. He was grateful when 5:30 finally arrived and even more grateful that it was Friday. He would have a couple of days to get used to this before facing anyone again. 

After a quick stop at home to change into jeans and a t-shirt, he arrived at Robbie's just before six-thirty. He was greeted with a quick embrace and a hearty handshake. Robbie was clearly overjoyed as he said, "Congratulations, Detective Inspector."

"Thank you, Robbie. Though this is as much your accomplishment as mine."

"Nah, James, this is all about your hard work. Innocent rang to tell me you took top honours, knowing you wouldn't say anything. I couldn't be more proud of you."

Robbie had outdone himself with a roast leg of lamb marinated in a rosemary and red wine sauce. Once they were seated at the table and the champagne toast had been made, James was relieved that Robbie soon changed the subject. He could always read James and it would have been obvious to him that James was feeling a bit overwhelmed.

Their meal was shared in casual conversation and once dishes were cleared and food put away, they topped off their glasses and assumed their customary places on the couch. 

As was also their habit, neither spoke for some time. It was usually Robbie who broke the silence and he did so again now.

"I'm sorry about distracting you with what I said before your exam when you clearly needed to focus. Reckon I got carried away with the moment. Meant what I said, of course, but I was going to wait so we could talk about things after you'd got your results. 

He looked a bit sheepish now. "Anyway, I've been feeling guilty ever since for the bad timing." He chuckled as he added, "Though clearly it didn't affect your performance."

James smiled too. "Well, you certainly knocked me for six, but fortunately, I was able to leave it at the door for a few hours. Since then, however, I've thought of little else."

He reached out and took Robbie's hand now, entwining their fingers. "While I was walking, I worked hard to make peace with the fact that I could never have what I wanted with you - what I had wanted for a very long time. 

"I was truly happy for you when you and Laura finally got together, but I needed time and space to sort out how I was going to be able to live with that." 

Robbie began stroking his thumb across the back of James's hand, seeming to weigh his words before he spoke. "I didn't realise until you were gone how I felt. Hell, to be honest, even then it took Laura pointing it out to me to understand why my whole world suddenly felt so...off-kilter." He laughed as he added, "Apparently it was plenty clear to her. Seems I was...how did she put it?...'a morose old sod and prickly as hell', after you'd left. Or something to that effect."

James released Robbie's hand as he sat up suddenly, feeling stunned. "Are you saying _I'm_ the reason you and Laura split up? Christ, she must hate me!"

Robbie reached for James's hand again. "Course she doesn't hate you. It wasn't about you. It was about me and _my_ feelings. But there's more to our parting than that. It was also about Laura and me wanting different things. She thought she wanted a committed relationship, but it turns out, she felt boxed in by it. And even though I thought I knew what I wanted, clearly I wasn't being honest with myself.

"The thing is, James, when you left, it forced me to face the fact that I felt empty and incomplete without you here. I can't tell you how many times a day I thought about you and wondered where you were and what you were doing. And some days I missed you so much, it was almost a physical pain."

James allowed that to sink in before he said, "I've never had any reason to believe that you were anything other than one hundred percent straight, so even before Laura, I was convinced that my chances were slim to none. It seems I was wrong?"

Robbie nodded. "You'd have no way of knowing, but yeah, you were wrong. Never told anyone but Val this, but before her, there was a man I fancied I was in love with." He smiled. "Course once I found her, I understood the difference between love and lust.

"But it's fair to say that it wasn't the fact that you were a bloke that kept me from thinking of you in _that_ way. S'pose it was partly the age difference, which still bothers me if I'm honest, but it was mostly the fact that I was your boss. It would have been extremely inappropriate and it would have put everything we had as partners at risk, so I just never let myself think about it. 

"Anyway," Robbie concluded as he took James's champagne glass out of his hand and set both of their glasses on the table, " I'm not your boss now." He brought both hands up to gently cup James's face as he leaned in. "And I think we've done more than enough talking." 

James's heart was pounding as he met Robbie halfway, but for some reason, he couldn't resist a tease. "Well, I _was_ preparing to recite the entire balcony scene from 'Romeo and Juliet' to you, but I suppose I might be persuaded to save it for another time." 

Robbie chuckled as he pulled James's face right up to his, their lips almost touching and his warm breath tickling James's face as he said softly, "Cheeky sod. No bloody Shakespeare allowed. Think I can find a better way to keep that mouth of yours occupied." 

The warmth of Robbie's lips pressed against his sent shivers down his spine. Though tentative at first, Robbie quickly deepened the kiss as he raised a hand to the back of James's neck, holding him close. When Robbie's tongue teased over his bottom lip, James opened to him, losing himself in the pleasure of the moment. Any thoughts he had ever had about what kissing Robbie might be like were joyously surpassed by the reality. This was fucking amazing. 

When they finally separated to catch their breath, foreheads still resting together, James managed to get out, "So, let me get this straight. Any time I start to quote Shakespeare, you're going to snog me senseless?"

Robbie chuckled. "Call it me 'anti-Shakespeare' campaign."

James grinned. "Well, in that case...." He moved to whisper in Robbie's ear, "'You kiss by th' book.'"

Now Robbie laughed out loud as he wrapped his arms around James and brought their lips together again.

When they pulled back this time, James had forgotten all about teasing and Shakespeare and pretty much everything else. He'd nearly forgotten how to breathe. Robbie reached out to stroke his cheek with the back of his hand. He held James's gaze, giving him a serious look as he asked quietly, "Will you come to bed with me, James?"

James's heart was suddenly in his throat and he couldn't seem to speak, so he answered with a quick kiss before standing and reaching for Robbie's hand. 

 

**** 

 

James had collapsed almost on top of Robbie with an arm and a leg draped over him. Flushed and sweaty now, the breeze from the open window caused him to shiver slightly as it played across his bare skin. He felt Robbie's arms tighten around him in response.

Both were breathing hard and though his body was still humming, his mind was beginning to function again. The rapid rise and fall of Robbie's chest beneath him began to slow as well, as Robbie's breathing levelled out. 

He felt the rumble now as Robbie chuckled before dropping a kiss onto the top of James's head. He propped himself up on an elbow so that he could see Robbie's face. What he saw there was a reflection of what he, himself, was feeling - absolute joy and contentment. He smiled happily and leaned in for a proper kiss.

"Think I could get used to this," Robbie said as they separated. 

"I think I already have," James responded. He felt around for the sheet and pulled it up over them as he settled back down. He absentmindedly ran his hand up and down Robbie's arm as he said, "I walked the breadth of Spain to convince myself that I needed nothing more from you than friendship and I'd actually begun to believe it."

He could feel Robbie's nod. "We can always find ways to make ourselves believe what we need to believe."

"I suppose, but I've never considered myself to be the self-deluding type. Now I can't imagine life without...this...without you and this..."

Robbie laughed. "Never thought I'd see the day when James Hathaway was lost for words."

James smirked, though Robbie couldn't see it. "Yes, well, it's been a rather eventful day. I've not only made inspector, but I've been given the one thing I never dreamed I would have. I think even I'm entitled to be speechless on a day like this."

Robbie's hand moved up to stroke his fingers through James's hair as he replied, "Aye, soft lad, I reckon you are." 

James suddenly propped himself up on an elbow again as another thought occurred to him. "In 'Twelfth Night' the fool sings..."

Robbie grimaced and threw him a mock scowl. "Aw, Christ. _More_ bloody Shakespeare? Thought we had that sorted." He reached behind James's neck, pulled him in and proceeded to kiss him deeply and thoroughly. 

James happily allowed himself to be distracted, grinning at Robbie as they separated. "Think I'm starting to warm to this 'anti-Shakespeare' campaign of yours." He leaned in and kissed Robbie again.

"It has a certain appeal, doesn't it?" Robbie began to move in again, but James put up a hand between them.

"It does, yes. But just one more tiny bit of Shakespeare? You'll like it, I promise." James looked at him hopefully as a clearly doubtful Robbie cocked an eyebrow and indulged him.

"Oh, go on then."

James grinned. "So my long walk and what I've come home to," he paused long enough to lean in and kiss Robbie quickly, "reminds me of the love song that the fool sings in 'Twelfth Night'. It tells the story of a wanderer who returns from his journey to find true love. The line that resonates is 'Journeys end in lovers' meeting'."

Robbie smiled. "Yeah, all right. I like it." He reached out and brushed the back of his hand across James's cheek. 

James wanted to melt into that touch, but he had one last thing to say. "I thought my journey had ended when I came back to Oxford, but it seems my real journey's end is here, with you." 

Robbie nodded and looking serious now, added to James's thought. "Aye, but the end of your journey is just the beginning of ours." 

"Yes." He thought about that for a moment and smiled. "Shakespeare would like that."

"Yeah," Robbie said with more than a bit of sarcasm, "I'm sure he would." Robbie rolled onto his back again now and opened his arms in invitation. James quickly moved into them and settled with his head on Robbie's shoulder, draping an arm across his chest. 

"Now," Robbie said, as he tightened his hold and kissed the top of James's head again, "enough Shakespeare and enough talk. Sleep." 

"Mmm." James closed his eyes and snuggled in a bit more. After a moment he asked sleepily, "What shall we do tomorrow?" 

Robbie didn't hesitate. "Tomorrow, love, we begin _our_ journey."


End file.
